I lost it this morning. I mean totally, completely, lost my shit this morning. And the worst part is…I lost it on my 7 year old daughter. We have limited time in the morning, and she wouldn’t finish her breakfast. Normally I wouldn’t care, but she is on medication, and always asks that I dissolve it into the milk in her cereal. And today, she refused to finish it. On top of that, it was 5 minutes past the time we needed to leave, and she wasn’t even dressed.
I yelled. I yelled so loudly that I hoped my neighbours weren’t home. My son stood by and covered his ears. And my daughter cried. And I broke down. I have spent all morning feeling like shit. By the time we left, and I had apologized profusely, she looked at me and said “I forgive you”. And I felt even worse. My daughter didn’t deserve that, and she shouldn’t have to forgive me. I know if somebody did that to me, I wouldn’t have been so quick to forgive.
I don’t know how to make it up to her. Afterwards, all I could think about was how she must have felt while I was yelling at her. Is she going to be thinking about it all day, like I am? Have I affected her mental health? Have I made her afraid of me?
I can say “I’m human, I make mistakes”, but I don’t feel human. I feel like a monster. I know we can’t be perfect, but we can be better. I can be better. I made her a promise this morning, that I would never do that again. I told her she didn’t deserve that, and it was NOT okay for me to act like that. And do you know what she said? She said “Maybe we can have a better day tomorrow.” And again, she broke my heart. How can she be so mature about this when I acted so terribly?
I know that I make mistakes, but I can’t ever make this one again.